a forever loop of love & "what if"
Since starting the flip projects ontop of some original songs, I've largely nailed down the typical patterns that go into them. I've played these games before, a back & forth of confidence in others to move a certain way, to somehow pry for a reaction to something. I have a hard time telling what's real in others and I feel bad about it, but doesn't everybody have some kind of difficulty with that? It's like I don't want to totally open up until I fully trust that I won't be screwed by it, it's bit me in the back before and if it's preventable I'd like to keep it that way. And I know everyone wants that easy connection to others, I mean that's how you make friends y'know, but going further than that or using it as a footstool has always felt like a cheap shot. So that's the goal of flips that I'm working on, I've really been bored with not being able to put words to my own music properly so I sidelined it again to try and put my spin on songs that can already say what needs to be, just with my sound in tandem.
Ive also been itching to go travel more, I don't think I need to see or experience anything new anymore but im going stir crazy going back and forth between music and the rest of my life outside of it. Repetition is good for learning, and now that I've learned what I feel I've needed to after all this time I've simply just stopped caring about the cycle, feeling as if it's always going to stay the same whenever I branch out to other stems I could reach for, like I haven't gone painting in a long while because all the spots I want held down...just are. I haven't won, but I'm looking for something more, something solid and consistent, but then that becomes a matter of incorporating something into my cycle, positive or negative in effect. So now I guess it becomes a situation of "what can I nail down".
