For another day I guess?
(written 4/23/25, 11pm)
(*꒪ヮ꒪*)
Sorry about this shit, I've been confronted with a lot of stuff the universe decided to throw at me that fucked up some relationships, hasn't been helping my case either but at the end of the day I can't be mad that despite what I think, Im happier alive thanks to music and Mazda.
Sure I may not think highly of myself, especially not helped in my early transition, but I've got the support to truck through and I'll never forget that. I've been ripping myself apart too much because I already feel the weight of the path ahead of me, I know it's what I want and I won't be shaken from it, but the present can't be altered but so much, and the fear of my masculinity just eats away at me.
At the moment, my only real comforts and reassurances are my head voice (which I talk about here some), flp's that'll probably never leave my PC, all my T friends near and far, and believe it or not, my Mii off my DS. To elaborate on that, I think it's pretty simple, it's the projection of myself that I myself created, it is truly me because I made it, weird to think about yeah but I think it's quite neat and it makes me feel better!
Right, I don't think I talked about this either because nobody bucked the fuck up and asked me anything about YDSM when I was writing it or afterwards when I gave them ample chances to. Writing and finishing that was supposed to be the open and shut case of my story that I wanted to tell, one about loss of innocence and the progression of time, rejection, and whatever else YOU got from it. The precursors into and after that EP are all linked, ending at the bullshit of a song I wrote for cry ice, which at that time was the death of my old self, I don't know exactly what I left behind making that, but when making it I knew I wasn't truly me, and that Id see the same thing next year in a different manner, and I'm happy for that and excited for it. YDSM was supposed to have a dx version that I just never felt like working on until I felt ready to finish it, there's about 4 songs that were supposed to go into it that didn't come to fruition and won't, so it was dropped as it was. I feel like the ending feels rushed and it's not what I intended, but alternatively I think it's better left that way in some weird sense, I don't really know and at this point I don't really care, I'm happy I shot 3/4 where I wanted them and they're my best performing songs, and that I can be happy about. In the end, when finishing it I had completely flipped my mixing style and thought "there's no way I end my stuff and start over there", and I was right, after the EP I met almost every one of my now best producer friends and while we don't have any music together (at the moment) they've helped me push myself to get my ideas out and to listen to the music around me to help inspire what I make, and I'm eternally thankful for everyone inside and out of TBC, SST & SCC past and present.
Go team!
